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♥ Monday, March 26, 2007
2:09 AM

imma feeling really in emo shit now. cried for no reason..

anyways HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAREST LIEW SHU AN ((: its on the 25th march btw.. imma really sorry that this come so late.. thats really show imma such a lousy friend ya.. sometimes i really want to let them know that i really cared but something just stopping me from doing that.. when they need someone to be there i seems to not by their side listening to their sorrows.. but when i need them, they will surely be around.. this shouldn't be the case ya.. thats not how a healthy friendship works.. or when they did something really nice for me and when its their turn, i dont seems to make any effort in doing it.. or is it that challenge to balance friendship and boyfriend? it seems like somehow when someone gets into a relationship, friendship will tend to drift apart a lil bit.. which is something i dont want it to happen.. i still want those days whereby we have endless chats, knowing one another happenings, sharing everything under the sun.. what's going on with my life??? feeling so aimless.. so lost now.. where should i pick up from? everything in my life seems to be in a mess now.. start afresh? it needs lots of determination i guess.. and someone please guide me along.. will i be able to take up this challenge? really putting my heart and soul into getting what i want to achieve in life.. somehow its stressing me too.. those high hopes pinned on me.. tho sometimes they just want me to do lil things for them i also don't do it right... thinking that imma a really fortuate kid.. thinking back.. when i want something and i'll just have to ask and the next moment i'll see that right infront of me.. probably imma taking all these for granted.. whatever things i wanted, i know i'll sure get it but when they ask something back in return i dont seems to be able to do it for them.. like wanting me to help out at the shop for them.. i did tried but everytime just back to the same again.. shit ): it just sadden me when i see the disappointment faces.. it does pushes me on to prove to them that i gonna be someone they gonna be proud of.. but it fails at times.. the moment i made them upset.. they cared for me, really cared but i just take their words for granted.. knowing that they gonna be upset and i still continue being that rebellious one.. take my piano for example, they always wanted me to finish my last grade and be able to see me serve in church by being the pianist.. and he telling me, rmb those time when you're young.. i've been fetching you to and fro for your piano lessons and exams.. those time and effort they've put in me hoping that i could accomplish something in my life.. and i crushed their hopes.. i've stopped my piano years back.. even my grandpa asked me why din i want to finish my grade 8.. i just went speechless.. not knowing what to reply him.. they have been telling me again and again urging me to finish up my piano.. of course, they wanted me to get into university too.. which i will.. hopefully its singapore university esle guess it gonna be abroad.. can i juggle so many things at a time? my loved ones in my life- not in order, FsquareBS. FAMILY, FRIENDS, BOYFRIEND, STUDIES. me myself also clueless about this.. with some help i guess imma be able to do it ya.. after long chat with edward last night, it really make me realise i should really concentrate on the things i want to achieve in life.. so working is out of the point for me now.. he's right.. why would i want to work my ass off and burn my weekends away. not implying that working on weekends is bad but for me whereby i know imma someone that i can't juggle too many things at one go.. so somehow i've gotta forgo things such as taking up a part time job to earn extra income.. just that without those extra income, i can't shop that much where i used to be last time.. no more restaurant, only once in awhile.. less cabbings.. dont wish to spent their money like running water too.. its their hard earned money.. the hardship they went through just to provide a good living environment for me and my brother.. last time i'll just spent money without thinking whether i really need it or its just that i find it nice and i'll just buy.. after purchase and i'll start regreting buying.. now, think twice before doing anything.. where i can use that time to do something that will be more beneficial.. moreover, they dont like me to work too.. why would i want to risk my future for that lil income.. there's more thing in life to concentrate on for now.. need to priorities! thanks, you really taught me alot of things about life.. mr advisor, my awesome boyfriend. i love you (:

not talking about this.. i've never been a good testimony of my christian life too.. be it spiritually or in daily life.. sometimes i wonder, imma born in a christian family and thats really make me take things for granted.. guess those who came from a non-christian family do makes a better testimony then i do.. i don't read God's words everyday.. pray before every meal.. going for YFs every sat which is my resolution.. din attend sunday school which imma suppose too.. imma just like a sunday christian.. monday to sat just leading a non-christian life.. how sick can that be.. learned something new from today's sermon.. a bible is just like a parachute.. you have to open the bible and read God's words, it will then be useful.. its just like the parachute only came in useful when it opens up.. if it dont opens up.. you will just fall and die.. this sentence just left a really deep impression in me.. i just want to have aims in my life.. a total change in my life.. whereby i know where imma heading towards.. imma the right thing at the right time.. putting all my effort in doing all that and not just give up halfway through everything.. i don't like the feeling of ending up with nothing when i've already started putting in my time in it.. no more wasting of my precious youth.. dont want to become a hopeless girl.. with no accomplishment in my life.. its just a awful thought ): i want to make full use of my brain and not leave it to rust.. interacting with others with substance topics and not always those gossips or anything.. tho its totally fine with talking rubbish or nonsense.. just want to have more knowledge up there..

i need DETERMINATION! life gonna be beautiful (:
pardon me for this long and draggy post.. suddenly just feel like ranting all out..